Sonic 2K6: The Final Report
by The Sky Hedgehogian Maestro
Summary: Sonic, Blaze, and Kid Silver review Sonic the Disaster. What else do you freaking want to know? That Shadow's real name is Shadow Eggman the Hedgehog? Technically, it's true. See Inside For More Details. In order to read, rotate your screen 360 degrees.


**Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 Review**

_**S**_**uper**

_**O**_**llie**

_**N**_**icks**

_**I**_**da's**

_**C**_**ar**

"W-what?!" Sonic the Hedgehog coughs. "Wait, what's that supposed to _mean?!_"

With your hosts...

**Sonic!**

**Blaze!**

and, _The Most Interesting Hedgehog in the World_- **Kid Silver!**

_Special Guest: Shadow!_

_Special Guest #2: Mario!_

"_Boooooooooo!_" the fake crowd boos, throwing dangerously sharp objects at the anthros. They most likely hope to cut Sonic to shreds so SEGA can render his franchise null and void.

Someone hits the lights and the main three become visible. It's painfully obvious Shadow is sitting in the darkened corner on a stool. He's not too pleased with any of this. Repeatedly, as the camera comes across him, he flashes his two beautiful and sexy birds. Censored out, of course!

"No, _nonononono!_" Blaze groans. Not only have the ever-tortured SBDRF cast had to put up with drabbles, throwbacks, and utter nonsense, but now they're being forced to review games! And the worst part is, for Blaze at least, they're games _she _doesn't like! "_Zero out of ten! Zero out of ten!_ Just let me go home!" She gets the hint that this means more SBDR throwbacks against her will, thus more war crimes against FanFiction dot Net.

"Ah, ah, ah! No. We're only doing this review once, and the official at SEGA that is _endorsing us _said you three _**have**_ to be in this chapter," announces the Sky Hedgehogian Devil. "We sold out to the record label. Writing' power ballads, pop anthems... We're slaves to the dollar now."

"What SEGA official endorses crap!fics?! What SEGA official even _goes on_ FanFiction dot Net?" Sonic rants.

Shadow, at the least happy to be away from the accursed Gigantic Ass Factory, scoffs from behind the newly-introduced curtain. "Where do you think they got the plot for Sonic'06?" Blaze has to nod in agreeance to that bloody undeniable fact. "If it weren't for how badly that game failed, they'd still be stealing fanfics like nobody's business."

"Oh _please_, Shadow. _Everyone _knows they write their _own _fanfics and uses them for games!"

"As paradoxical and oxy_**-moronic**_ that sounded, I do think Sonic has a point," Blaze says. The most bizarre aspect of this- Blaze may just have a point.

"Oh well, let's start the title sequence!" Kid Silver cheers.

**Son-**

"Zero out of ten." Sonic and Kid Silver look at the confident-in-herself Blaze, arms folded, legs crossed, and clearly biassed. "_I'm not biassed! _There's no denying this is one of the worst video games of the decade, i-if not all time! The worst part about it is that _I'm _in it!"

Now hold on, Blazy. We haven't gotten to that part yet.

**Sonic the Hedgehog. **

In this 2006 multi-console next generation video game, the iconic blue, super speedy hero, Sonic the Hedgehog, must save the beautiful and beloved Princess Elise, heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Soleanna, from the clutches of his arch-nemesis, the nefarious Dr. Eggman. However, he runs into Silver, a mysterious, telekinetic white hedgehog from the future, who claims that Sonic is someone known as the 'Iblis Trigger', a person who will destroy the entire world unless he is killed! Thus, Sonic is thrust into an epic adventure _where speed just won't be enough!_

"Hi guys!" Sonic waves at you, clutching onto his hard-earned food stamps. "I think it's perfectly obvious by what I'm doing for a living right now how this game turned out!" He's flashin' the stamps, signin' up for new ones, stuffin' old ones in a binder, extreme couponin', pimpin'...

"I'm surprised you were serious about the blurb," laughs K'Sil. Sonic slurps a mysterious, most likely illegal, substance with mysterious, most likely illegal, substances mixed in just as his mental state begins deteriorating. "But, y'know, Sonic was serious too."

**Joining us now is the blue king himself, Sonic the Hedgehog.**

*Cheap Applause* -Click- *Applause Abruptly Ends*

**Hello Sonic.**

"Hi, there, Sky. Nice to see you."

**End the damn pleasantries. We all know you're angry at Sega. Just take a seat. So, how are you?**

"Just chillin'. It can be the best thing in the world."

**Hey. I don't even have a job anymore. That's**_** all **_**I'm doing.**

"Yyyeah... sure. Sure, that's all you're doing."

**What are you trying to- HEY. HEY. HEY. WE ALL DO THAT. ALL MEN DO. HEY. All right, all right. Shoot. What do you think about the opening?**

"If only the game coulda looked like that! I thought I was watching a live-action _Sonic the Hedgehog _movie until the loading screen popped up!" Sonic begins. "And then_** holy fish paste, WHAT THE TIARA BOOBOWSKI IS THAT?!**_ Yeah, that's literally what I said when I saw this_ piss-poor, plastic, clay figurine _of me running towards the screen." Sonic shakes his head as horrible memories resurface. He sniffles once. "I am _so _glad this game wasn't made 3D capable..."

"You _did _look a bit like your Sonic Unleashed self in the opening CGI segment," Blaze admits, perhaps the only time she's saying something positive -_not good_, just positive- about the game during this entire review. There, gave you a boiling' and spoilin' heads up. "It's hard to believe how far down the line in quality the next cut scene was. Hard to believe, that is, until you actually start 'playing' the game."

"Babe, I use that picture of me carrying Elise to scare the kids away on Halloween!" Sonic assures, giving her a thumbs up.

"Did you notice how Mirai Silver actually looked cool in that scene?" Kid Silver asks.

"Yeah."

"He was."

"That's 'cuz I was in for him. He got the runs or something because he ate some dodgy chili dog the day before, and Sonic Team asked for me to fill in." After a moment, he then says, "Hey, Blaze, weren't _you_ the one cooking for 'im?"

"Wait, but what about Silver and the- Blaze, didn't you make me a chili dog that da-"

"_**Let's**_ move on."

**Let's. All right, onto your feelings about Princess Elise.**

"Ya mean Princess McFarty Fart? Yeah, I'm tellin' ya, she musta eaten one'a Silver's chili dogs before she got kidnapped by Eggman that first time. And here I am, blastin' through a loop-de-loop, tryna to find something to hold to with her mighty pancake ass, and what does she do but fart in my face. Just, _blblblblblblbrrrrrggblblspsps.___Sick. Just sick. And it made the game, too! In Dusty Desert, if ya listen, you can-"

"I thought this was a review, not an interview," Kid Silver interrupts, thank god, any god.

**Aren't **_**all **_**reviews interviews?**

"No."

**Hm... you got a point there. Now then, Sonic?**

"Hm?"

**Finish your thoughts on Elise.**

"Who, the same Whitebread Carrot Legs?"

**(Sigh.) Yes, **_**that **_**Elise. We're still doing the 'inter-review'. H-how many other Elises do you know?!**

"Only that one." For some strange..._strange_ reason, Sonic has this manner in which it somehow feels as if he's..._lying_.

**Well?**

"Well what? There wasn't anything interesting about her. Actually, I kinda wish that she was Blaze. Would've made more sense seeing she had all this fire and sol stuff about her," Sonic finishes.

"Y'know, if Sonic Team had the sense to swap out Princess Whitebread Carrot Legs with Princess Flowerhead McButtkiss over here-"

"Whaddyou call me?!"

"-then they could've made Sonic 2K6 into Sonic Rush 3D!"

**That would've been awesome. Imagine Sonic Unleashed, but without the Werehog, with Blaze and stuff.**

"No. That's three points off right there," Blaze argues.

**Because you're in it?**

"New character deduction, so yes." She's actually being serious about this.

**WTF? Well, naturally, in my opinion, Blaze, you really **_**should**_** have been Elise- Uh! I mean, **_**filled in**_** for Elise. That would have been amazing. Imagine! It would actually make sense if Blaze, the goddess or whatever of fire, was the Iblis Trigger- seal of **_**Sol**_**aris, who destroys the world by **_**fire**_**- and the **_**princess**_** of **_**Sol**_**eanna, and those gems were the **_**Sol**_** Emeralds, and that combined flame power Elise and Sonic had was with Sonic and Blaze in-**

"Hey, wasn't this supposed to be _our_ inter-review?"

"No, Hedgehog, let him ramble on so we can leave ASAP."

"He has a good point," Kid Silver says in his _Most Interesting Hedgehog in the World _voice. "It really _was _as if someone took _everything _about Blaze, then put it in some carrot legged, whitebread, white-power gypsy-witch Chris-ripoff who can't even use any of her powers, and left skeletal, boring Fake Blaze to rot with lame-ass Mirai Me. Not that Flowerhead isn't boring... But imagine the _kisssss_ scene."

"Better Blaze th-" Sonic may never breathe or speak or eat through his mouth again.

**Well, uh... let's see... Start... A... A... Loading screen... lo-o-oading... l-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oading... lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-... *snore* Ah, wha? What? Oh, here we go. Let's talk about the gameplay. We'll start with Sonic.**

"I play well, I think! I just could have been a _bit _faster, ya think? I didn't like Silver too much, though. He was kinda slow in the game." Kid Silver wholeheartedly agrees.

"Mirai Silver _is _slow, Sonic. Mirai Silver is slow."

"You're... right." Sonic has a second epiphany. "Mirai Silver _is_ slow."

"Mirai Silver is slow."

"Mirai Silver is slow." Sonic and Kid Silver keep repeating this over and over again for another few minutes.

"Oh my god," Blaze says as she digs her face in her hands.

**Since when is Silver known as Mirai Silver? Never mind. I don't **_**want **_**to know now.** ***While Sonic and Kid Silver keep reiterating "Mirai Silver is Slow* Blaze?**

"Sonic was too slow, the vehicles felt like they were cut-and-pasted from the Shadow the Hedgehog game -_poorly_- and Silver's gameplay was god-awful and too out there for Sonic games," says guess who, "especially if Sonic Team just bum-rushed right into it after forcing guns, tag-teams, and forced gameplay down our throat just a few years before. Also, having to switch out between those useless 'amigo' characters was uncalled for. _Knuckles _was probably the worst of them all."

**Expand on that.**

"He moved as slow as Tails, his attacks were incredibly laggy, and his gliding ability was as painful as the Kiss Scene," Kid Silver answers for Blaze. "And he didn't even have a stage ending animation. He was that lazy."

"Also he served less than no purpose to the plot at large," Sonic adds. Blaze considers this.

"Actually, Sonic, when you think about it, I'm not sure any character in the whole game actually had any reason to be in the game," Blaze replies.

**And how do you feel about yourself in that game? **

"I'm _always _cool on screen." Thumbs up x wink.

"I win in games, right? Thur you go." Most Interesting Hedgehog In The World pose.

.

.

.

"What?"

**What was **_**your **_**best moment, Blaze?**

"Anytime I wasn't onscreen."

**Harsh. **

"I liked the part where, if you waited a second or two, Fake Blaze did a little jig!" Sonic laughs.

"That was a pre-game stretch, doofus. We all had to do stretches. For some bizarre reason, mine looked like I was a lock-jawed bohemian dancer." There is the sound of a hedgehog-shaped ultimate life form tumbling onto the floor.

"What the hell! You gave me a broken stool!" that mysterious object yells.

**So how do you feel about the Town Stages?**

"They were pretty big, but kinda ugly." Sonic drinks some soda. "If they were as detailed like in Unleashed, and if I could run like I did in Unleashed, they would be awesome."

"Imagine if they actually finished the game. You could go Super Sonic, switch characters, play in the day, evening, night, and the morning, maybe with a bit of varied weather..._then _you could run like you did in Unleashed, and-"

"_Stop it, Silver! _You're making me hate this game more!" Blaze cries out.

"Huh?"

"But Blaze, wouldn't that have _improved the-_"

"No matter what happened, it would've either sucked or not been what we wanted in a Sonic game. Basic, sucked, because it's unfinished. Well done and complete, sucked, because we don't play Sonic games for story, gameplay depth, or-"

"I wanna punch your face out!" screams an audience member.

"-_varied weather._ No gimmicks. Just give us Sonic 2 again. And again. That's what works best because that's the only thing that works."

**Blaze, you said you didn't like the gimmicks.**

"A sizeable number of people don't. Sizeable meaning everyone sane. Those who don't are just meth addicted teens who are too old to take anything and too young to know what is and isn't art."

**Yyyyeah, I read something- probably unofficial, biassed, and not-very-trustworthy- that said, at one point right after Sonic Unleashed was leaked, 74% of the fanbase was against using or wanted to do away with any and all gimmicks or gimmick-laden new characters like you, or you, Sil. Any specific reason you don't like them?**

"Well besides the fact most gimmicks tried really aren't for Sonic," she begins.

**An easy argument isn't that- er, is that the gimmicks aren't for Sonic, but just weren't used properly. I mean, to clarify, you know, shooting could've worked, but Sega stopped so short, they vaulted and stumbled.**

Blaze immediately replies right as I finish. "That's the thing. Every time Sonic Team belched out these abominable and out-of-place variations, they never went the full nine yards." Sonic nods his head to that fact, along with the Kid.

"Yeah, like with the guns in Shad's game. _G-goddammit Seg'!_" K'Sil begins ranting. "Either go the whole damn way and add aiming and magazines and shotguns and grenades, or don't use guns at all! And Sonic was supposed to say 'piss off.' Instead, just a lot of 'damn' and one instance of 'hell.' That's not swearing. That's a 12-year old Call of Duty fanboy with Tourette's."

"It was like it was tacked on at the last second. It's the same with the swords in Black Knight," Sonic responds. "It's like they weren't even trying. They were-they were using the basics to try to make me or Shadow or whoever look cool, but because they were too scared to go away from the usual path, it all wound up looking glitched, unbalanced, and, like Blaze said, out of place. That's really why, I think, the gimmicks get bad raps. Sega, er, Me Team made alla'em too shallow and didn't flesh'em out at all, and on topa' that, a lot of people think it should just be me, running and jumping all the time. Even more so thanks to Sega not fleshing out those gimmicks. It was a runaway effect from the start."

"Ya hear that, Seg'? Next time you make a Sonic shooter, try rippin' off Call of Duty or Halo instead of whatever the hell Shadow'05 was. Oh wait, that's right! Because your asses failed so mythically badly the first time, no Sonic fan with a working brain cell _wants _another Sonic shooter!" Kid Silver laughs a bit, followed by Sonic. "Like we were gonna get something good when you were shootin' a bazooka off a loop de loop."

**When I was young**_**er**_** and dumber, I actually equated **_**Shadow the Hedgehog **_**to **_**Halo**_

"Loser."

"Lame!"

"You cannot possibly be serious, Sky Hedgehogian Maestro." All three laugh, followed by _SHADOW?_ And the crowd joins in. I don't blush. I stand firm and proud. *Bawls in hands*

"You actually thought... Tseehehehaha! You-you actually thought!" Sonic struggles to reclaim his words. "You thought Shadow was- aha hahahahahaaa! Whoo!" Just to finish his sentence, he speaks at a thousand miles per hour before guffawing once more. "You thought Shadow was as good as Halo?!"

**A better question would be 'Why am I talking to talking animals in the first place? Is it a good n' healthy sign if I'm talking to animals who I think are talking back to me? Spending entire conversations with them? Is it a good sign if I say I'm not talking about Sonic characters but **_**real **_**animals? Bah. How did you like the AIs?**

"Of who? The amigos or Evil Nameless Collective Hive Mind of Soleanna?" K'Sil responds.

**We'll start with the amigos.**

"What I wanna know," K'Sil begins, "is why they wanna be behind you all the time." Soni- "And why they like to die so much."

"Maybe they like the smell of hedgehog fart."

"You're talking about Silver," Blaze lowly drones as she remembers one incident during the filming of Sonic'06. She sighs.

"Yeah, 'cuz during the second scene with Mephiles, Mirai B***h Silver went '_Phhhhhrrrrrrblblbbblprrht!_' Fake Blaze was pretty much like, "Oh, Silver! That was very inappropriate, you lowly simpleton! Your weed shaped growth makes me want to fry up some delectable white trash hedgehog'," K'Sil taunts in his best Blaze voice, sounding more like Sonia from Sonic Underground. Sonic turns to the screen and, white controller in hand, visits Soleanna Castle Town as Shadow.

"Hey, look! It's Team Dark." When he runs near the water front, he jumps as Shadow. Rouge and Omega respond rather glitchedly. He immediately dashes back to land and plummets to the ground as if Shadow suddenly weighed ten thousand pounds. His two 'amigos' fall into the water and drown.

"Hahaha!" Kid Silver laughs. When Shadow moves forward just a little it, Omega and Rouge respawn. _**And die.**_

"_Bwahahahahaha!_" Sonic and K'Sil laugh as the robot and the bat fall to the ground, dead, without ever even being hit.

"See?! This is what I mean. This game is a glitched mess of glitches and messes," Blaze puts out, confusing all who read it.

"The game's so bad, they killed themselves just to get out of it!" Kid Silver whoops. Upon re-respawning, Sonic has Shadow run near the edge of the water again. He doesn't even jump, and Omega falls in. Sprinkle in a few more laughs. "And what's with the splash? There's no splash to speak of. You actually splash in the quicksand, I think- wait, no, you don't- but not in water."

Sonic finally gets the hint. "Silver, you look at everything too closely. You should be a video game critic."

"Meh."

"I heard that you can actually, if you're _that _depressed, play as different amigo characters if you collect all the Silver medals in the Town Stages. Oh, wait! That's right. _You can't_. _**Because Sonic Team forgot to put it in,**_" angrily charges Blaze. "If there weren't so many damn auxiliary liabilities in this piece of trash, Sonic Team might've had more time to polish this thing up by its deadline."

***Lmao'ing like nobody's business* Lia-liabili-Liabil-! *Chokes on laughs* Greatest insult to the new characters I've ever heard!**

"It's not the new characters' fault, Blaze!" Sonic argues. "A bunch of people just stole the people designing the game and-"

"_And _if there were no extras, the skeleton crew working on the game would have had more time to focus on polishing the game! I rest my case." I'm sure Sonic, deep down, agrees with Blaze. He doesn't like critics and former fans lambasting his franchise, and, truthfully, there is a teeny, tiny part of the cool and collected hedgehog that really does dislike/care-little-for his newer friends. It's a shame it isn't bigger.

"I also noticed that, if you stand back from a person, their frame rate drops like a friggin' meteor!" laughs K'Sil. Using some form of cyberkinesis, he changes characters to Sonic, whips out the Red Gem, and runs back a bit. "Look!" Some man who was walking at the normal 60 FPS before now appears glitchy and Flash Video-ized. When Kid Silver activates the Red Gem, he now appears to be a low-budget cardboard stop-animation cut out.

"Oh yeah, that's right. This game's definition of 'slow motion' is 'reduce frame rate.' An- _dang_, look at the New City."

"It's barren, I know. That's because all the people Sonic Team signed up as extras discovered they weren't trying out to be in Super Mario Galaxy and quit on the spot. I would've too. I'd love to be with Link-er, Mario." -Blaze.

"I also noticed the models were cookie cutters of each other. We all looked like we were fifty-year-old fat asses drinking fo'ties all day who were playing Zumba in their granddaughters' go-go booty shorts." Sonic and Blaze's eyes twitch.

"But I have to agree, our hands were just _**freaky big!**_" Sonic shudders as he remembers what he had to do to get his hands to stay that large. "I remember in the green fields, I was thinkin' every second 'Boy, I'd better not grab Elise's head! Or else I'll crush that tiny thing like a grape.'"

"_Tseheheeheeheehahaaahaa!_" Kid Silver needs a minute to laugh. He tries to drink some soda, but starts bursting out laughing the second before he can take a sip each time.

"What was stopping you, Sonic? You could have done us all a favour."

"I'm a lover, babe, not a killer."

"Sonic... next time a whiny, woe-is-me, unnecessarily and probably wrongfully rich, emo, crapsack damsel-in-every-possible-distress human keeps kissing your ass, just crush their head. Your fanbase will thank you later." Surprisingly, Blaze said that and _not _Kid Silver.

"And then there was that f**king ginger, Baldy FatThighs McNoseHair. He was just _nasty_." _That _was Kid Silver.

**What did you like about the music?**

"One word, two syllables- _awe_**some**." That was Sonic. "I liked the theme of the final boss battle the best. The second one."

"It was actually pretty good," Blaze admits. "My favourite has to be the second Dusty Desert track." Blaze, fist in her cheek, then says, "It's kinda sad if _the music _is the best part of the entire game."

"I hated Mirai Me's theme song and thought it was one of the worst songs ever until I started listening to it more. Then I realized_** it is **_the worst song ever."

**I take it you're not into trance?**

"Not really."

**The amigo characters. Your thoughts on them? **

"A-"

_**Blaze, don't speak**_**. We already know you hate everything about this game. This is directed at Sonic, Silver, and our special guest, the ones who had to put up with amigo wastes like *you* in their stories.**

_*Blaze does this creepy Charles Manson smile that makes me regret opening mah ffffat mouth*_

"I like Tails and Knux, but Sil and Blaze was-were right, they were _so slow! _When I finally realized that was his maximum speed, I thought Tails broke his legs before the game started! That or he crashed another plane and got some rod shoved up his butt- sorry for saying that, Tails. And I have to agree with Sil on the Red Yeti. Knuckles _was _a bit off in that game."

"Blaze, _you sucked_."

"Yes, I know." It's honest and for truly hard to keep a straight face knowing Blaze is serious.

"But not as much as Amy did." Kid Silver then turns to the screen on which Sonic the Disaster is currently playing. "Like when she uses her hammer. You have to wait _forever_ for her to start running again. Her double jump made her move too slowly too. You expect a bit more manueverability when you jump, you know? I lost 7 lives that way." Sonic face palms as the memories come back to him, having to play as Amy in '06. A stage hand consoles him. "That I regained by hacking the game." Everyone stares blankly at Kid Silver. "Also notice that when she turns invisible, you can still see her shadow."

**And? **

"If you're invisible, that means light bends around you! Thus, there can't possibly be a shadow."

**...Yyyyeah... Now introducing our first super special guest, Shadow Eggman the Hedgehog!**

"_E-Eg-Egg-Eggm-Eggma-E-Eggman?!_" the red-on-black hedgehog sputters. Laughs are falling out of Sonic's mouth like a lead Niagra.

**Yes. You were created by Gerald Robotnik. Therefore, you are, indeed, a Robotnik and, thus, an Eggman.**

"_**F-F**K YOU!**_"

**That's all from Shadow. Next, what are some of this game's weaker aspects?**

"The entire ga-"

**No, Blaze. I wasn't talking to you, Princess Flowerhead.**

"Then why am I-"

**Because we're not done with you. **_**Sit down**_**, Blaze- I-I said sit down! **_**Do **__**not**__** get back up, you hear me?!**_ **Shut up. Sit down.**

"Ah, the weaker parts of it? Well," Sonic begins, "I'd have to say that it really bombs when it comes to the controls. I _hate _the mach speed stages. That is _not _what it's like to run at the speed of sound_ at all!_" Sonic takes a bite out of a chili dog placed on a nearby table. Mouth full, he continues, "I wish Sega woulda told me they were gonna screw up the mach speed stages before hand. I thought I owned when we did those scenes." Sonic gulps and preps for another mouthful. "I wish Sega woulda told me that they were gonna screw up Sonic'06."

"Mirai Me has to pimp slap robots just to slow them down. That is really, really pathetic for a psycho-tele-kinetic hedgehog. Why can't I just flare up some psychic flames around my hands that make me stronger? Or make psychic shoes that make me supremely fast? And what was with the mach speed stages?" Kid Silver thinks for a moment, then adds onto his comment. "Also, _what the __**hell **__was up _with that_ gay-ass MF'ing ball puzzle?_"

All five... *Notices gigantic gaping Shadow-shaped hole in wall* four guests suddenly mutter inaudibles about how that god-damned puzzle took several f**king months to complete- only, mind you, _only _by chance did that god-forsaken raped son of a b***h go down that ugly ass hole!

Sonic then says, "I kept thinking 'that hole right there. It has to go in _that_ one?' Then I discovered the corner, discovered the other holes, and then discovered the right door, and I didn't even _try_ for a good month 'cause I _knew_ I wasn't doing that."

**What-**

"Wait!" Kid Silver cries.

**What?**

"We didn't get our time to b***h about the loading screens!"

**Oh! The dreaded loading screens. That's right. It's what separates Sonic'06 from every other video game.** **Like, it's what sets Sonic'06 on top of the Cream of the Crap, the ultimate Xbox 360-smashing tool.**

"Yeah, I remember, one time, I pressed 'A', got up, boiled some water, plopped in some hot dogs, cooked them, cooked the chili, put it all together, and ate all'a them" Sonic begins, "and when I came back, it was _still_ loading! So, I hit the can for a whizz. Came back, and those three arrows were still racing 'cross the screen. I just said, '_Oh __**screw **__this!_' and walked off. But_ nooooo!_ Sonic Team just _needed _my input on it!" Sonic grumps. He turns back to the screen, finishing up the chili dog. "That was _three freakin' months later. _Game _still _wasn't loaded."

"Realistically, dude, I think your game was broken."

"¿Go on?"

"Something went catastrophically wrong with the game."

"¿Go on?"

"More than it already was."

"Ah."

**What are some things you wished Sonic Team would have done with this game before release?**

"Cancelled the game," says you know who.

"Maybe they _should _have turned it into Sonic Rush 3D. At least patch it!" Sonic completely finishes the chili dog and washes it down with a glosh of root beer. "I mean it was released on 7th Generation consoles. Sega should have made some patches for it at least. There's absolutely _no _excuse they didn't do that."

"Yes, you are _completely _correct. Instead, they unleashed some despicable and pointless 'amigo team attack' DLC. What masochistic gamers wanted to play _more _levels as us?!" Blaze rants. "I don't even like _looking _at myself in a Sonic game! That ruins it all right there. You need some pretty deep self-hatred to actually complete that damned waste of money." Yes, Blaze actually had to play to Team Amigo Attack, a sad, pointless, and haphazardly thrown together eight minute excuse to rob twelve year olds of their parents' hard-earned Microsoft points that not only can you not even complete- you can beat it, but as it will never even register in the game, it'll always say '0% Complete'- but you can't _return_ either. It takes longer to download than to complete, and, usually by the time it's half-way downloaded, you already feel the pangs of regret ripping at your brain. There are so many better DLCs your undeserving MS points could have gone.

"There's no getting around the fact Me 2K6 is _pretty durn bad_, even _for _a _Sonic _game."

"It's sad that you have to say 'for a Sonic game'."

"The Rainbow Gem," Kid Silver finally says after a few minutes of thinking, "and the Day n' Night thing. I really wanted to play as Super Sonic, and maybe even Super Mirai Me. Super Shadow, meeeehhh... The Chaos Attack thing woulda made it a _bit _too much like Dragon Ball Z. But I guess that woulda been pretty cool."

"Like I said, _patches!_"

"Patches are for pirates. Sega should've finished it from the start."

"It was Sony's fault."

"F-for a 360 game?"

"Although I didn't like half of the game at all, I remembered playing Sonic Unleashed for the very first time, on the first level, the-the Apotos tutorial, and sighing in disgust to myself, wondering why those graphics and gameplay mechanics weren't used in Sonic the Disaster," Blaze sighs. "Some days, I really do tell myself I wouldn't hate everything about new Sonic characters and gameplay had it not been for Sonic 2006. Who knows! Perhaps we'd all be beloved if they actually finished that game."

**A tantalizing thought.**

"It's weird how this one bad game has actually lent to the demise of the franchise. Not the games- Generations was Ok, if kinda gay and Nick Jr. worthy. Colors was Ok, if completely gay and Disney worthy. Unleashed was... Ok. Pixar worthy, at least. 4Kids coulda just made that into a Saturday morning show. But no- what Sonic'06 really killed was the stability of your fanbase. The franchise can have a series of awesome games, an awesome TV series or two, an awesome movie, and even an awesome, well-loved, and popular new character, but if the fanbase is so completely splintered that the fans argue and bitch over the _color of Sonic the Hedgehog's eyes_, then it doesn't matter," a slightly philosophical K'Sil says.

"You know none of my new friends are gonna be liked if Sega keeps shoving them out of the games while releasing stuff like Sonic Colors or Sonic Generations. What's gonna happen if, the first time they're put back in, the game bombs?"

"We'd be saying that's proof your new friends are sending you straight down a suck spiral." Blaze thinks for a moment, considering this. "And that might be my ticket out of the franchise! But no, I think most of us are in Generations. That's also what I thought when I first played the tutorial level in Apotos in Unleashed. It was a bit maddening at first, but also a good feeling when you see Sonic Team's learning from their myriad mistakes, as evidenced by the lack of _me._"

**I'm-**

"And Shadow. Chip was unfriendly bother, though."

**Shut it. We're doing the Sonic Unleashed review later; this is for Sonic Next Gen. *Sigh* I'm surprised you even play video games.** **Especially you, Sonic.**

"We have to. All video game characters have to, whether we want to or not," Sonic replies. "From me to Mario to Master Chief to Kratos to Nathan Drake to even unnamed enemy number four in Metroid, that dude in-"

**Anything else?**

"Better game play, better graphics, and better models. That Robot Chicken plastic botox model of me gave me nightmares," moans Sonic, "even when I was awake."

"The whole game, I heard, was supposed to be based off of Sega's excitement to be using this 'realistic physics' engine," Blaze snorts. "That's literally the whole reason we had been """blessed"""" with Sonic Next Gen."

"Ya ever notice that when you destroy one of those lamp posts, those light balls and the debris _never _stop rolling around?" K'Sil points out. "Seriously, when does that ever happen in the real world?! Realistic physics my shiny, white ass."

"I know!"

"God, I wish the 2D Purists had gotten their way and had all of us scrapped," Blaze disgruntedly moans, "before this game was released, before the OSCU got involved."

"No, Blaze! Just shut up about that!" a fed up Sonic retorts.

"What is a mass-die off going to achieve?! _Nothing._ Now all you have are less characters. That's it. It's not a step in the right direction- it's just killing 90% of the characters. Nothin's gonna change," Kid Silver charges.

"Yeah, they don't have to be in every game! Isn't that good enough?! Just because they're in the same realm of existence as me doesn't mean that a game will suck!"

"Says you." Sonic and Kid Silver grumble and groan.

"This game _led to the rise _of the retro purists. There were, like, _five _of them before _Super Sonic Brothers'06_ came out." He's right. Then again, he's _the Most Interesting Hedgehog in the World_, so I'm not allowed to complain, and neither are you.

A stagehand pushes out a large sack about three times the size of Sonic himself.

**What...is that.**

"What I remember most about this game wasn't the game itself, but, uh... the months and years after, like 2007 and 2008 and 2009..._GOD! _I don't ever think I've _ever _seen so much hate mail scream," Sonic pulls out a letter from the sack, "quote, 'OMG JUST -bleepin'- DEI YU -bleepin'- MUTAT RAT' in my life before."

"Dei?"Kid Silver asks, eye raised.

"I think he or she meant 'die'." Sonic pulls out another letter. "Yeah, the critics, I think, were waiting for me to stumble, you know? My fans thought Heroes and Shadow were bad, but the critics didn't really mind them." He begins opening the letter while his guests- and a nosey stage hand- dive into other hatemail letters, chuckling and gasping when need be. "I mean, in 2004, Sonic Heroes was supposed to be the 'worst Sonic game ever' and I was supposed to be a dead franchise by next year."

"Oh, wow. Sonic Heroes. Remember when Sonic Heroes was supposed to be unforgivable crap? It was the '06 before '06 before '06."

"But the critics- the critics were my friends. It was 2K6 that turned everyone against me, and I apologize to all my adoring, swooning fans for dragging them through absolute _s**t_ for several years after. OK, OK, listen to this, 'Sonic the hedgehog was cool in the 190s now he big gay loser for babees with down sindome. nowdays people play halo mass effect grand theift auto and gears of war an assasins crede not gay sonic unleash! even Super mario galxy is awsome! Marios always been more awsomer. and wuz whith all tose stupid furry bitchs hoging all sonics spotlight? all his f'ing freinds got to die bfor he becoms cool i want to choke them all to deat + rip teir lame harts out thru their thoats and make them eat them wile there choking on there own suckyass blood. Sonic SUX. i luved the old days when he had only tails knuckles and robuttnk not gay forgttable lossers like shadow? rogue? amy? creem? silver? blaze? BIG? who da f*kk is these loosers?' yeah becuz i want to fish or shoot emo aliens or thro apples at robots when i play a SONIC game." The disturbed hedgehog puts the paper down. "Wow."

"That was earth-shattering," K'Sil comments.

While examining the note, Blaze smugly replies, "A little extreme, mind you, but I don't blame him." She pats her chest as she has masochistic thoughts about such an event. "Maybe I don't want to eat my own heart while choking on my own blood, but he's right when he says 'we gotta go before your franchise becomes respectable again.'" Sonic reads another one, frowning heavily. "Although Shadow might." Blaze pauses. "The eating your own heart, choking on your own blood part. He'd like that."

"This one,_ it's actually written in English_, it says , 'All of Sonic's so-called "friends" who came after Sonic 3 and Knuckles are personae nongratae.' _Wha-...what? _'Those retarded punching-bag fair-weather throwaways had better hope we never meet in a dark alleyway. Sonic is drowning in pure suck because of them and none of them are even his friends, just cookie cutter one-bit walking cliches trying to get more greenbacks in Sega's pocke-er, "fans in the franchise" and their fans are really meth addicted nobodies who don't know good Sonic games for their lives. Like, "Shadow the Hedgehog" was the best Sonic game ever? Sonic X is better than SatAM? Sonic CD sucks? Who are these deranged psychos? It makes me scared that Sega's listening en masse to these backwards "fans" and not the real fans who know what it will take to get Sonic back on his feet, if that's even still possible. Evidence? Shadow the Hedgehog- now we get a Sonic game but you can never play as Sonic- but instead, our resident emo, Shadow the Hedgehog! And guess what kids- whether you want it or not (and we know you don't) you get to hear mindless cursing, use half-programmed guns, listen to mindless trash metal, and kill bland aliens! But the clincher- it was a mindless (and brainless) group of fans who asked for it! Sonic Heroes- Sonic only composes 1/12th of the actual game, but at most, you get 1/4 with Sonic and his true real friends. The handhelds- Rivals just was another reason to get Silver back to abusing us, Rush was mediocre at best. Sonic used to be cool when he was rolling with his REAL friends, Tails and Knuckles, only and not some emo Batman meets Twilight meets Sonic recolor, an STD-ridden whore, my tapeworm infested bayou uncle, an ADHD feminist anime fangirl, a terminator rip off, Bug's Bunny's mutant daughter, some cut and paste Mary-Sue from Fanfiction dot Net, or Trunks/Crypto-137 the Hedgehog.' That weird word, what does that mean? The person non-grits one?"

Blaze replies, "Personae non gratae?" Sonic nods. "I believe it's Latin for 'totally unwelcome and unacceptable people'." Sonic, shaking his head is pure disgust as he realizes his fans are now using _Latin _to demean his friends, decides to say no more so Blaze doesn't have to say anything like 'I couldn't have said it better myself' or anything along those lines.

"And since when is Amy a 'new' character? Y'know, I don't care. Blaze, don't say anything, but all this hate towards you guys is getting on my nerves. It's depressing. It's mean. It's-It's..." Kid Silver hands Sonic another piece of hate mail. "And here's_ another one_."

_Dear Sonic,_

_F**k You._

_Love, Ron._

Well, at least it wasn't against his _friends._

***Giggling and laughing* Read...read one more. Come on!**

Sonic looks a bit disappointed that he has to read yet another attack on himself and his friends that he happens to _care _about. He sighs in disapproval and holds up the next letter. "Ok, let's try this one." He throws his head back and rolls his eyes when he takes two looks at the letter. "Oh, wait, never mind." He begins to crumple it up.

"Wait, what's on it?" K'Sil asks.

"It's just curse words written in sharpie and a finger print with Cheeto crumbs in it on the side." Sonic throws it behind his back. "And '_CoD Call of Duty kicks your hejhawg ass like pigs like cheese',_ scribbled on the back." Kid Silver picks it up. "Don't pick it up! Don't look at it!"

***Laughing* The hell! Who's writing these?! 'Sonic the Hejhawg.' 'Call of Duty kicks your hejhawg ass like pigs like cheese'. **_**That's**_** Internet meme worthy.**

"_F**k you._"

***Gasp!* Sonic! Such foul language!** **Not that I really care.**

"Hey, yo. You forgot all the pictures of bloody, naked new Sonic characters getting raped and shot at and decapitated by Master Chief and Link and that Starkiller guy from The Force Unleashed and- I see." Kid Silver's referring to that hate-mail.

"I sent in a piece of hate-mail too," Blaze suddenly announces. Ignoring her, Sonic and Kid Silver distinctly remember how _Sonic and the Secret Rings_ went down. Reviewers who normally would have been kinder towards the game laughed it out and kept it in the shadow of Sonic'06. Then, in 2008, a bumbling noob at SEGA accidentally revealed Sonic Unleashed while chatting about it on the then underground social networking site 'Facebook.' MySpace, _I know, what the frick hell's MySpace,_ and Twitter included. So many fans cheered that Sonic was the only Sonic character in the game, and slagged off his friends, that a lot of the hedgehog's friends actually came to tears. I won't say the name of the one who didn't, but there was a character actively lobbying for Bla- erm, _that same character's_ ownresignation. Then of course, came the Werehog, and Chip, and the false announcement of Shadow, and Sonic Chronicles, and _oh god_. I need to write some more about Shadow and the Gigantic Ass Factory...

"All in all, we all had really hard lives back in '07, '8, n' 9." Sonic finally says. "Tails was so sad that everyone was saying such mean things about everybody that he tried defending them, only for his name to be called 'one of the worst character names of all time' by IGN or whatever."

"All thanks to Needlefist'06."

**If you're just joining us (**_**in the franchise**_**) then, believe it or not, there **_**is **_**actually a fair bit of discrimination against characters. If you came in 1994 or before, save Amy, then you're awesome and a real Sonic character and friend. If you came after Sonic 3 and Knuckles, especially after 1998, then you're a crappy add-on that's just contributing to the demise of the Sonic franchise.** **The same applies for gameplay styles it seems. Yes. This also applies to the Chaotix, even though they debuted in 1996, and Amy- who first graced Sonic games back in 1993. Somehow, Mighty, Ray, Bark, Bean, and others from the Pre-Adventure era **_**are somehow exempt**_** from this hate simply because they were scrapped. But the new ones and select surviving old ones are very much hated.**

"It's the truth, I'm afraid."

**Shut up, Blaze. You're one of them. There, how do **_**you **_**like it?**

"Keep it coming."

**(**_**Disgruntled, 47-year-old-frumpy-hag sigh**_**) Whatever.**

"That's really a disgrace, to hate people just because of when they arrived," Sonic says with seriousness.

**Shut up, Sonic. We **_**all **_**know how you feel about old and new Cartoon Network.**

"Well that matters! New Cartoon Network sucks!"

"Sonic, Sonic Team always made us out to be '_Buy One, Get One Free_' whenever a new game came out, when all it ever was was '_Buy One, Get Twelve You Didn't Ask For_.' Face it, no self loving Sonic fan bought Sonic'06 to play as me or anyone else besides the three main characters, if them besides you. They were shoved down people's throats when they didn't want them, then had to play as ten, _fifteen _of them per game. It's not discrimination. No one would demand a furry genocide if Sonic Team did in 2001 or 2005 what they're doing now."

"I know this is off topic, but what if, go with me, but what if Sonic Team or someone who makes Sonic games makes a cel-shaded sequel to Sonic R? Yeah! And Hideki Naganuma's the composer, him and maybe The Pillows!"

"The who?" Sonic asks.

"Wrong band, I said _The Pillows_," Kid Silver corrects. "They're the ones who made the soundtrack for Fooly Cooly. So, what if it's cel-shaded, has an awesome soundtrack, and stuff like that? I'll make for an awesome racing game!" Sonic thinks for a moment.

"I don't think I'm up for racing spin-offs after Sega forced me to ride on hover boar-" the azure hedgehog begins.

"No, I mean, like in You R, you run! On your _feet_." Sonic suddenly perks up.

"_Do it, Sega_. I'll pay you ten million big ones. Do it." He goes back to thinking. "That, or Baldy McGingerNosehair will probably force us to do something like that." He rests his hand in his cheek. "Don't know why it has to be cel-shaded though. Or why it has to sound like Jet Grind Radio crossed with Fooly Cooly crossed with The World Ends With You. I thought JSRF had that down already."

**Just drop it. (Sigh) What about the multi-player?**

"Run that one across again," Sonic asks in a question tone.

**The multiplayer. How do you feel about the game's multiplayer is what I'm asking.**

"What?" Sonic, shocked, responds.

_**Sonic 2K6's multiplayer. How do you feel about it.**_

Sonic, Blaze, and Kid Silver exchange surprised looks with each other, completely flabbergasted by these words the SHM speaks.

"There's _multiplayer _in Needlemouse 2K6?" Sonic and Blaze shrug and give the Kid more confused looks as he gives some to them.

**Of course ther- Oh, never mind. **

"Is it even any good?" Sonic asks.

**No.**

"That's a self explaining question, Sonic. If you have to ask if or explain why something's good, then chances are, it's not," replies the philosophical princess whom nobody really cares about.

"You know all the paradoxes in this game?" Sonic asks to the SHM.

**Yeah, there are, like, over 9,000 of them.**

"Lame joke, man."

**Sorry, Kid Silver.**

"You are forgiven only because I am bored and for no other reason other than the fact _I am bored._"

"You know, I helped with _Sonic Fan Remix _in its earliest stages," Blaze suddenly announces, "all because of my sheer loathing for this game."

**How come we've never-**

"I bribed the creators to never tell anyone. That was ten-thousand rings in their happy wallets. People _do _use rings as currency in the real world, right?" Silence. "R-right?"

**Blaze, if you had a choice, would you even play a Sonic game?**

The cat shakes her head.

**Wow. Sega, there's a problem if Sonic characters don't even want to play Sonic games. Why I'm just now realizing that with Blaze, even I don't know.**

"I wouldn't touch Sonic Heroes with a ten foot pole!" Sonic laughs. "I really, really didn't like how that adventure played out on screen. People didn't get to enjoy my face all the time. They had to put up with Knuckles's ugly wretched mask he calls a face."

**Sonic, you had to save the world. Did you really-**

"It'd be different if Sega didn't turn our lives into _video games_."

**Oh, wait, I thought Sonic Team scripted them all.**

"Only Me'06 and Rush. Everything else happened for real."

"Like I said before, I was happily enjoying my role as princess and whatnot and decided to register to become an official Sonic character. For the first game, they decided to make me look like a cold stoic who -barely- warms up thanks to Cream's benevolence. When that was over, I came back home and went about my usual business until Sonic and Tails crash landed here one day. Overall, the Rush era was OK."

**Just OK?**

"Well I _did _run into the Official Sonic Characters Union." Blaze folds her arms and, after a second or so of silence, says, "They're the reason Sonic Team can't fire us rejects."

**I **_**have **_**actually heard of the OSCU before. Wasn't it formed because Sega forced all the retro characters to leave?**

"Yeah," Sonic replies. "That's why Shadow came back the very next game after he left the Sonic Scene in '01. The union was worried Me Team would keep him out of all games, although they knew where he was and his condition, and forced Team Dark's back story into the game and whatnot."

**Sounds like the OSCU has a lot of influence.**

"_Oh yeah_. They have _**far **_more influence on Sonic Team than Sega does. When the fans wanted Sola Sonica, the OSCU demanded that they keep us in side games to prevent Sonic Team officials and angered retro fans from believing we 'new characters' really were done in." Blaze takes a sip of water and is handed a piece of paper. "This document came in 2008 about half a year before Sonic Unleashed came out."

**Isn't that the document that stated that if Sonic Team made a mass die off of new characters, the OSCU would pressure Sega to disband Sonic Team entirely?** **(And why am I speaking in horrendously bad, Sonic 2K6-esque dialogue?)**

"Yep. Union leaders had over a _billion _U.S. dollars at their disposal."

"Like that was actually _worth _anything back then."

"This was _before _the crash, Sonic."

"Oh."

"Nowadays, the OSCU is becoming pretty weak." Blaze sounds confident that, within at least two years, the OSCU will become so weak that she can finally leave the union and the franchise.

"Except didn't Iizuka say he needed you?"

"Big's gone. That's how weak they're getting."

"That's not really weak. It's Big. Of course he was gonna sling his hook sooner or later."

"Yeah, but..."

"The OSCU had to make a _lot_ of things happen to keep Big in the franchise for as long as they did."

"But with you and Sil, you guys _actually got fans_."

**Ok, well let's get back to Sonic 2K6. Paradoxes?**

"I was always wondering, if Silver gave a Chaos Emerald to Elise ten years ago, then how the _heck _did all the other games play out? It explains the very first Sonic the Hedgehog, I guess," Sonic begins ranting. "And what's up with Blaze? I already had a hard time following the story, since there really isn't one, but you appearing just blew my mind like Mario's 'shrooms!" Silence. "You'll... edit that out, right?" Silence. "R-r-right?"

***Sadistically* Sure.**

"I told you!" Kid Silver begins, arguing. "They stole Blaze and put it into an impossibly random Final Fantasy character and left Fake Blaze to rot with Mirai Me. Screw Fake Mirai Blaze. I say _she's dead_. Get on with it." _**KID SILVER HATH SPOKEN.**_ "This game is the very definition of what the Sonic Cycle represents."

**O' GOD, not the Sonic Cycle.** **Just end it. Now.** ***Big pant* Well then! Introducing our second special guest, the globally loved plumber in red, Mario!**

The curtain is pulled back and the lights turn to Mario, who waves to the crowd with a happy smile.

**So, Mario, how do you feel about Sonic 2K6?**

"It's-a bad."

***Claps* Wow. That was... **_**Wow**_**.**

"What?! I am not going to-a deny it! When I-a first play the game, it was, I cried while hugging all my friends and advisors! That was the moment I knew for a fact that I was now the sole Video Game Superpower once more!" he explains in his usual stereotypical Italian plumber accent. "Samus and Wario told me the next-a day that Sonic Team has just killed their own mascot, that Sega is out one cash cow. I'm not with Blaze on her idea that he should-a just go back to 1994 and stay there, but he _did _need a reboot badly."

**Did you feel for Sonic?**

"Yes! After playing the game, I felt so bad for Sonic, I asked Nintendo to team up with Sega for a cross-series party game because I wanted to see my old buddy get some love. It turns out they were so saddened by the tragedy, they were already ahead of me!" Sonic noogies Mario like big brother to little brother. Somewhere, Tails is crying, slitting his wrists, listening to Three Days Grace, Linkin Park, Blink 182...

**Do you **_**like **_**the new Sonic characters?**

"Some of them. Others are not so nice, but I don't-a understand why all those video game magazines hate them."

"W-w-wait, am _I _one of them?" Blaze stutters, taken aback that Mario actually _likes _some of these parasites.

"Yes, you are! Actually, I a-_love _you as a Sonic character!" Blaze pouts. She _should _feel happy the most popular video game character in the world loves her- as a Sonic character- but standards won't let her.

**Thank you, Mario. We'll have your check ready by the end of the segment.**

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

**So, overall?**

"Zero out of ten."

**Blaze, you said the music was good. Music counts as a score. It can't be a zer-**

"Then I hate the music." Blaze then remains quiet until the last words, instead preferring to chat it up with Mario about something.

**Anything to bring the score down.**

"I'd say... a four and a half out of ten. The music and the ideas were the only good things about this game. It really feels like Me Team just threw a bunch of gameplay sequences together and called it a game," says Sonic, tapping his chin. "It's not the turbo crapfest retro fans keep screaming it is, but you do have to be a masa, masok...

"Masochist," corrects K'Sil.

"Yeah, that, to play this game for more than half an hour after beating it. I'd say it's less than decent."

"Same here. There are too many broken f***bucket concepts and half-assed ideas. It's like Sonic Adventure's retarded younger brother. Blue Sock-Head Team shoulda spent another year on it _at least._ It really sucks." K'Sil draws a frowny face on a piece of paper and holds it up. On it are the words, '**I DO NOT APPROVE**.'

"No, they shoulda _patched _it!" Sonic re-iterates.

"IMO, Sonic Team was just tryin' to troll the Sonic fanbase."

"Did you really just use internet slanguage?"

"I can, so I will."

"O...kay." Sonic shuffles around on his admittably half-broken bar stool a bit and takes one last look at Sonic'06. "You know, I didn't realize until now, but how come, when I get killed by Mephiles, there's no blood? That bastard shot a kamehameha the size of Rouge's boobs through me, and I was able to cover it up with my hand?" Before Kid Silver can reply, Sonic sarcastically adds, "Actually, that makes sense since I guess we ate _Hand Growth Hormone Soup_ before the game. I still don't see how my hand is a sponge too."

"Oh, you didn't know? Huh, considering what goes o-"

"SHUT IT! J-j-just wait a decade or so. Sega will be forced to make an M-rated Sonic-related game sooner or later." Sonic picks up all the Marvel comics. "If the writers of these comics knew, sixty, seventy years ago that there would be video games and movies like this, I don't think they would have gone on."

"That's just because of the Animation Age Ghetto. Y'know, Walking Bloated Blue Turd, they _wanted _to talk about deeper issues sixty years ago. They wanted to have a bit of the old ultra violence, but they weren't allowed to. You Team. They just suck up to Disney, poorly, and think that just because you're a cartoony talking blue hedgehog, you can't have anything deeper than a two nanometer deep plot and '80s cartoon dialogue. Just face it, kid. You Team's pansies."

"But think about it! I'm a talking blue hedgehog, cartoony and stuff, with huge hands and eyes and-and... Do ya honestly think _I'm_ gonna be taken seriously if I did some diddly with the war in the Middle East or some mafia or some big conspiracy?"

"No one thought so with those comics. Now look what happened. And besides, Spongebob's more mature than Sonic without actually being mature. Ever noticed that?"

"Why do you even watch Spongebob?!"

"Spongebob _**used**_ to be a beast! You don't mess with Classic Spongebob!"

"I'm just saying my fans want me to be for 6 year olds, so Me Team is trying to make me look non-violent and non-non-non-negative and whatever to get the Genesis-era color back into the games."

"Spongebob's colourful all the time, man, and he doesn't even try. And then Classic Spongebob's actually good and didn't even try. With a name like 'Sonic Colors', it's obvious You Team was watchin' old reruns a' Teletubbies or some... _frickin_' Nick Jr. show, or... _frickin'_ modern Spongebob, and said 'That's a bit too violent for the Sonic franchise.' They're trying _way _too hard to make your games gay and bright, like they're waging a war on everything not coloured red, yellow, blue, and green and everyone not speaking in a high, cheery cheesy voice with corny, pseudo-educational dialogue and crap."

"Well it's for little kids."

"Name a little kid that actually beat Sonic Unleashed. Hell, it took _you _a coupla hours to figure out how to do that puzzle in Mazuri."

"What puzzle?"

"Where you put one block on one wooden elevator or whatever the hell that was, push it onto the other one-"

"Oh! Yeah, I fragging hated that part."

"And use the other block to get to the first elevator. Yeah, you came grovelling up to me for help. And what was up with that final boss? If you're just one microsecond too slow, Dark Gaia kills you! No normal kid has enough skill to beat that game, Sega! What the hell were you thinking?! 'Let's make a game for kids, but let's make it so impossibly difficult, no kid could finish it!'. It's not too hard for someone older than 10, I guess, but you need some quick thumbs for that game, and for an 8 year old." Sonic then- "Providing you didn't get the gay Wii verison."

Sonic then adds on to his comment. "Sonic Unleashed did have _some _decent puzzles _for a kid's game_... but they're not _the worst_."

"Yeah, but _respectively_, considering 4 year olds are the target audience, they're the worst."

"Right, right. Well, we'll go over more of that when we do the Unleashed review. So, uh, is there any more to this one?"

**Nope.**

"Awesome."

**Any last words?**

"This game, the_ cream of the crap _of all that is crappy, if-if _Sega _couldn't even finish the freaking game, then what the hell made them think _we _would?! And then it made this guy's franchise the laughingstock of the video game universe every year since then! _Butcha know what? It's been half a freaking decade!_ _**Get. Over It."**_

**They haven't gotten over Duke Nukem Forever. Doubt they get over this, Sil.**

"This _abomination_, for me, is Number 13 on_ Top 50 Worst Games of All Time_, Number 2 on _Top 70 Worst Sonic Games of All Time_, Number 1 on _Top 100 Worst Games of the 2000's_, and Number 1 on _Top 10 Worst Sonic Games With Blaze_." If you think that was Sonic or Kid Silver, I'll just put it like this. It wasn't. It was Blaze. "You have to be one damaged S.O.B. to like this game."

**What's the Number One worst Sonic game?**

"Sonic Genesis."

"Ohh!" Everyone in the goddamn room agreees.

"Guess what, McAsscheese MaGee, now you're gonna be a co-star in the next major Sonic game after Generations!" Blaze is now suddenly thrown into a confused frenzy by Kid Silver's words. She now begins praying that, between now and 2013, Sega forces Sonic Team to unleash a mass die-off of all neo Sonic characters. Not happening.

"By the way, what were _you _yakking about?" Sonic throws at Blaze.

"If Mario could help me get a new job at Nintendo." Cue saucer plate eyes. "He threatened that security would have me _shot _if I evercame within a mile of their Japanese or American headquarters for as long as I'm a part of the franchise, but whatever." Sonic pats her on the back.

"Guess you're stuck with your Seg' pals! Hey, Blaze, where'd you get that revolver? _W-why are you pointing it at your head?!_"

"_Sonic, be quiet_, and go in the other room." Click. Click. Click. Click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll, click-roll... Click. "Damn it! I don't deserve to be out of ammo!"

**Pros: Hahahahahahaaahahaha! (Audience Laughs; Mass Audience Laugh Track)**

**Cons: **

**Kid Silver: Loading times are so ungodly long... The graphics look like the game was built for the Dreamcast. The dialogue is supposed to be all deep and s***, but it just fails. It's worse than a Saturday Morning Cartoon's. The manimal melodrama also grates. This is supposed to be Sonic the Hedgehog, not Final Fantasy XIV. Also, even the camera didn't like the game. I could tell by how often it kept moving away from me every time I had to jump over a death pit.**

**Sonic: This game **_**so**_** didn't capture my speed at all. I mean, after a coupla' years, it did grow on me a little bit, and I do kinda like rummaging around the stages, just ta', y'know, sight-see. **

**Blaze: Copy and paste Silver's. Add more rage. Way more rage. Sucky characters abound, as well. D-Did I mention the rage? Yeah, there's some rage added there. A... A lot of rage. A **_**lot **_**of it. Is my forehead bleeding? I thought I felt something pop in my head- is-is my, I feel something bleeding.**

**Sonic Again: My 15****th**** anniversary game has been called 'enjoyable' by blindly loyal fans because they like finding all the glitches and errors, though, so that's good. It is kind of fun to find the-**

**Blaze Again: (Saucer Plate Eyes)... You heard it here first, folks. Sonic the Hedgehog, the 15****th**** anniversary game to Sonic the Hedgehog, is to be remembered as fun because of how broken it is.**

_**You *can't* make this up.**_** People actually like the game because of all the glitches and errors and argue their case that the many problems make for a good game.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

***Sigh***

**Just... Just kill me. There's just no point to this game. Or its fans.**

**Hour long loading times; Horrid dialogue; sloppy controls; camera doesn't like the game; physics don't like the game; the game itself doesn't like the game; Sucky new charac- Shut up, Blaze. Coupled with a metaphysical plot, the spotlight is constantly off Sonic- while tolerable in any other situation before now, it becomes too unbearable, to the point one is no longer able to tell if **_**Sonic the Hedgehog**_** is even about Sonic the Hedgehog**

**Overall Score-**_** 3 Not-So-Speedy Hedgehogs... Out of 10.**_

"_**The score is too damn high!**_" Blaze rants.

OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo~OoOo~OoOoOo~OoOoOoOo~OoOo

Theme song_-"Just"_

_Radiohead_

_The Bends_ 1995, EMI

I do not own the rights to this song. All rights belong to Radiohead and EMI.

Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) Blurb Segment- _"His World"_

_Zebra Head_

_Sonic the Hedgehog OST_ 2006, 2007

Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) Review- _"Professor Pickle BGM"_

_Sonic Unleashed OST_, 2008

Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) Review Special Guest #1- _"Boomin'/Opera Trip"_

_tobyMac_

_Portable Sounds_ 2007, 2008

Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) Review- Hate Mail- _"Apotos Day"_

_Sonic Unleashed _2008 OST

Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) Review- Special Guest #2- _"The Railgun"_

_Medal of Honor OST_, 1999

Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) Review- Final Words and Score- _"His World"_

Ending Credits- "_Dunwich"_

_Electric Wizard_

_Witchcult Today, _2007

I do not own the rights to this song. All rights belong to Electric Wizard.

Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters, objects, locations, and implied related locations belong to SEGA, Sonic Team, and Dimps. I do not own the rights to any characters, objects, locations, or implied locations seen in SBDRF: Sonic and Blaze Do Russia Future- which is no longer its own story- nor do I intend to hold rights to the title.

Mario appears courtesy of Nintendo.

Kid Silver appears courtesy of Chuck Norris, and is, therefore, above this pitiful, pitiful fanfiction, but decides to play along anyway.

Shadow appears courtesy of the Gigantic Ass Factory, who let him take this time off of his 22 hour workday in return for a week long 26-hour workday schedule, with no pay. As usual.

All non-Sonic characters that are the copyright of Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, third-part video game developers, television shows, or movies belong to their rightful owners. Any likeness to any real person, item, or place is purely accidental.

Please Review.


End file.
